3. Judas - Journal entries (Transcribed)

1. I can't remember the last time that I drew.

It was long before the organization.

Long before calling their phone number from the ad online.

I don't remember what it was that I drew.

A bird maybe?

An old white woman on the train playing with her hair while reading in the park.
A small man with his arms full of gifts on the subway smiling nervously.

I remember the drawings, but not the timeline.

Timelines have been weird for me, since I was a child.

Art was vivid.

I made it quickly and with passion until I didn't.

I was selected by the organization for a test study.
I signed an NDA and they promised me that if I was picked for their trial it would all end.

The person who interviewed me was very adamant of how good a candidate I was.

"You haven't drawn in how long?

Wow, and this is your old portfolio?

Are these dates accurate?

Do you mind if I show this to my boss?"

What would you give to the devil to get your voice back?

I was accepted for the preliminary trial.

I was monitored and given specific instructions not to create.


I wasn’t drawing anyway, this I honestly felt, would be getting paid for what I was already doing,

but secretly I knew I would give anything to draw again.


What would you do if after you gave him everything the devil rejected your advances?


I don't think I ever got that portfolio back.

(Transcribed from “Judas Journal” by Tesseract Agent Codename: SignalSam)

2. The decay of my art is complete.
The ghosts of my fingers are broken.

Yesterday I stared at a blank piece of paper for 2 uninterrupted hours.

For a moment, for a glimmer I had an idea make it through the net of critiques that the devil has placed in my brain. 

The inner critic looms over every piece that appears half formed in my brain.

Another idea stillborn. 

Heavy are my fingers and my hands are deadweight.

The promises of the organization hang on them like lead rings.

I can't remove them for they've fused to my gangrenous fingers as my inner demon rots me from within.

Once I drew to quell the devil. Now the devil draws me to the void.

I have been calling the organization to see if there are any openings in the old study or new studies to join, but they won't answer my calls.

If I had been picked the test would've been starting soon.

(Transcribed from “Judas Journal” by Tesseract Agent Codename: SignalSam)